Last night, just before bed, I started feeling really down. I don’t know why, but tears sprang to my eyes and slowly leaked over. I had no reason for them to. I wasn’t upset about anything. Nothing had happened. I just started crying. For no reason in particular. But I felt like nothing I did mattered. I have a writer website–why? I post short stories on my tumblr–why? I treat my twitter as if it’s a professional twitter–why? Everything I do in regards to my writing career felt pointless. I don’t know why. (I know why I do these things. It helps me take my writing more seriously than if I didn’t, and keeps me focused on my ultimate goal–being a published novelist.)
I had just posted a poem on my tumblr, and I was…I was happy with the poem, but I didn’t like that I’d put it there. I don’t want to put poems over there. At least I don’t think I do. It just…nothing seemed important or worth it or significant. I was down in a black hole where there was only the faintest bit of light, and I could barely see it. The more I tried to find a reason for it, the further I fell. It was sad and disheartening. It’s not often that I feel like that, but it truly sucks when I do.
Normally I’d just keep to myself and let myself lay there and cry it out. This time I reached out. I texted a good friend and talked with her for awhile. I sent Angelo (my boyfriends) a message and let him know how I was feeling. He talked to me a bit, and just talking to him helped. It’s been a little hard for us to talk much lately due to large work schedules and other commitments, so the fact that we’ve been a little disconnected certainly didn’t help how I was feeling.
But probably the biggest help came when I reached out to Odin. I had been texting with Angelo and my friend, and while they were a comfort, I wasn’t feeling any better. I felt like I was just stuck. So, not knowing what else to do, I started talking to Odin. I just whispered three words in the dark night “Odin, help me.” It was a plea, because I didn’t know what else to do. I hate feeling alone and helpless and like nothing mattered. To me it’s one of the worst feelings in the world. Almost instantly I started feeling better. I felt this strength filling me that hadn’t been there before. My tears subsided as fast as they had come. And by the time I went to bed, I was almost smiling–I would’ve been had I not been feeling so tired and emotionally drained. But I was at peace and I knew things would be okay.
…It’s not easy for me to post this. It involves admitting I was feeling weak and vulnerable, and that’s not something I typically do. I usually hide away, pull the covers up around me and only let certain people under them with me. But Odin seems to want this posted here, so here it is.