A Father’s Love

Last night, just before bed, I started feeling really down. I don’t know why, but tears sprang to my eyes and slowly leaked over. I had no reason for them to. I wasn’t upset about anything. Nothing had happened. I just started crying. For no reason in particular. But I felt like nothing I did mattered. I have a writer website–why? I post short stories on my tumblr–why? I treat my twitter as if it’s a professional twitter–why? Everything I do in regards to my writing career felt pointless. I don’t know why. (I know why I do these things. It helps me take my writing more seriously than if I didn’t, and keeps me focused on my ultimate goal–being a published novelist.)

I had just posted a poem on my tumblr, and I was…I was happy with the poem, but I didn’t like that I’d put it there. I don’t want to put poems over there. At least I don’t think I do. It just…nothing seemed important or worth it or significant. I was down in a black hole where there was only the faintest bit of light, and I could barely see it. The more I tried to find a reason for it, the further I fell. It was sad and disheartening. It’s not often that I feel like that, but it truly sucks when I do.

Normally I’d just keep to myself and let myself lay there and cry it out. This time I reached out. I texted a good friend and talked with her for awhile. I sent Angelo (my boyfriends) a message and let him know how I was feeling. He talked to me a bit, and just talking to him helped. It’s been a little hard for us to talk much lately due to large work schedules and other commitments, so the fact that we’ve been a little disconnected certainly didn’t help how I was feeling.

But probably the biggest help came when I reached out to Odin. I had been texting with Angelo and my friend, and while they were a comfort, I wasn’t feeling any better. I felt like I was just stuck. So, not knowing what else to do, I started talking to Odin. I just whispered three words in the dark night “Odin, help me.” It was a plea, because I didn’t know what else to do. I hate feeling alone and helpless and like nothing mattered. To me it’s one of the worst feelings in the world. Almost instantly I started feeling better. I felt this strength filling me that hadn’t been there before. My tears subsided as fast as they had come. And by the time I went to bed, I was almost smiling–I would’ve been had I not been feeling so tired and emotionally drained. But I was at peace and I knew things would be okay.

…It’s not easy for me to post this. It involves admitting I was feeling weak and vulnerable, and that’s not something I typically do. I usually hide away, pull the covers up around me and only let certain people under them with me. But Odin seems to want this posted here, so here it is.

Advertisements
This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s