Part of me feels like my recent hiatus was a bit like a temper tantrum. “Daddy won’t give me a thing and now I’m going to go cry in the corner.” Okay, it’s not just part of me that feels that way. I know that’s basically what I was doing. And that’s not exactly “warrior” like of me. Though it’s true that all warriors do have their limits, I have always trusted Odin enough to not exceed mine. He’s never done anything that would kill me or cause me enough harm to actually hinder my life. He’s put me through some ordeals, that’s for sure, but nothing that caused me any kind of death.
Fear does strange things to people though, and I’m not so good when it comes to trusting others. I’ve been hurt too many times to walk in and immediately make myself vulnerable to others. I’m almost always on guard. Despite knowing (before I started working with Him) that the path Odin would lead me down would be riddled with tough times, heart ache, and a bit of spattered blood, I just opened myself right up to Him. I trusted Him, because I knew that He wouldn’t hand me more than I could handle. He may ask a lot of me at times, but not so much as to put me in mortal danger.
But you can’t exactly tell the heart how to feel, and sometimes your emotions grab ahold of you and take you down another path. Especially for me. I can be prideful. I hate making a statement and then admitting I was wrong. That’s kind of what happened. I got mad because I had gotten a bit of bad news, had a bit of a fit and then Valknut removal etc followed. Looking back this was pretty childish of me, but once the words were said I couldn’t unsay them and…well…it took a bit for me to admit I was being stupid.
The funny thing is though, not drawing Runes or wearing a Valknut didn’t actually stop my working with Odin. If anything it simply showed me how entwined He is in my life. I’m one of those people that will randomly talk to their Gods throughout the day–no candle or ritual space needed (though it’s nice). That didn’t stop. Nor did the Wednesday rituals. I still did them and all the other little things I do (like wearing a certain color) on Wednesdays to mark the day as His. Really about the only thing I stopped doing was updating this blog and wearing my Valknut. Neither of which is going to happen again (barring some legitimate life emergency).
One other thing I noticed during this period is that, the times I wanted to reach to/for Odin the most were the times when things seemed most hopeless. When I put my Valknut back on was when I had almost completely given up. I was starting to admit that what I was trying to do wasn’t going to work and I would have to pack it in. I knew Odin had never abandoned me–nor had I abandoned Him. I just needed to quit being a baby, to put it bluntly.
So, I did. And that’s when things turned around.
I feel like it’s important for me to acknowledge that the tantrum I had didn’t influence Odin (or how things panned out) at all. He has His reasons for making things happen when they do, and no amount of screaming, shouting, or silence on my part is going to force Him to do something before He’s good and ready. I also know that it’s important for me to remember this going forward.