These past few weeks I’ve been working on a personal essay that talks about the ups and
downs of my relationship with Odin–how He came into my life (He tried to do it subtly, I think, but then realized I don’t pick up on subtle hints) and how my halfway across the country move changed things between us. It’s been interesting to reflect on the way things have gone and how much He’s changed my life. Ironically enough, even though He sorted of faded out of my life once I moved to New Jersey, I think it was Him that made that move possible and gave me the gumption to make that leap.
I remember distinctly being back in Indiana and wanting more than anything to move here and be with the love of my life. My family was doing everything they possibly could to talk me out of it. My grandma didn’t want me to leave because all of her other granddaughters had moved away. My mom didn’t want me to leave because I’m her only child and she was afraid of being on her own. Seeing and hearing their plights made me second guess everything I was planning. I had never done anything like this–had barely lived away from home before, even in the same city–so I had my own worries and fears to contend with on top of everything they were throwing at me. But something inside kept compelling me to move forward.
Finally, I hit this point where I couldn’t take it anymore. I was so conflicted and I had to make a decision about what to do soon because I was needing to book my plane ticket here sooner rather than later otherwise it would start rising in price (something I wanted to avoid). It was a Wednesday and I had gone out to Starbucks to do some writing. They had just closed up and I was in my car heading home. I threw my hands up and said “Odin, give me some direction. What do I do in this situation?” I’m pretty sure I was crying at this point, too. I felt so lost and desperately needed guidance.
Driving to Starbucks I had been playing the second album of one of my favorite artists–Adam Lambert. When I turned the radio back on to drive home, Runnin started playing.
I’ve been standing here my whole life
Everything I’ve seen twice, now it’s time I realize
It’s spinning back around now, on this road I’m crawling
Save me cause I’m falling, now I can’t seem to breathe right
Cause I keep runnin, runnin, runnin, runnin
Runnin, runnin’, runnin, runnin
Runnin from my heart
That’s the chorus. I can’t even explain the feeling that came over me when I heard that. I was filled. With confidence, love, and determination. Whatever tears I had been crying dried up almost immediately and was replaced with sheer direction. I knew what I had to do. It’s the first two lines that really did. That and the last one. I’d been in Indiana my whole life (with the exception of a few vacations here and there), and I always knew I was going to move away. I knew I wanted to see the world and experience as much as it had to offer. I wasn’t ever going to be truly happy back there. And yet, I had been standing there my entire life. I had seen everything (or at least most of what) Indiana had to offer. Everything from Wolf Park to the Children’s Museum, Connor Praire and the Indianapolis Zoo. I’d been down to Nashville, IN more times that I could count and walked around the downtown circle at least once a month since I was a teenager. It was time I realized that I was just letting my own fear hold me back. It wasn’t really my family doing so. It was me. I was running from my heart.
With renewed determination I drove home and instead of continuing my writing like I had originally planned, I bought my plane ticket and stated sorting through my things.
I’ve lived here a year and a half now and I haven’t regretted this move once in that entire time. I’ve done a lot, but I know there is still so much more to do and see. I can’t imagine leaving here or going back to Indiana. Everyday is an adventure, and the only person (aside from myself) that I have to thank for me getting here is Odin.
Thank You, Odin. I couldn’t have gotten here without You.