I started reading a book about Asatru earlier and…it felt good. Okay, actually, I didn’t just start reading it. I actually began reading it awhile back (several weeks, possibly months ago) and had put it aside for awhile. Then today I picked it up again and stuck my nose in it for the better part of the evening. The chapter I was reading was just about the various Norse deities–beings I’ve read about several times before in other sources, but also beings I never tire of reading of. Point was, despite having been familiar with the subject materal, it felt really good.
My entire life used to revolve nearly 100% around my spirituality. Daily Rune drawings, studying the tarot, visiting a wolf sanctuary because wolves are sacred to Odin, studying crystals, reading Norse myths, making regular posts as I studied and learned more, weekly rituals to Odin and Freyja, wearing certain colors on certain days, etc. My spirituality colored every single aspect of my life. There was not one thing I did that wasn’t somehow informed by my spirituality. The only time I had hid it was when my mom was around as she didn’t approve of the things I was doing.
One of the things I had looked forward to the most when I moved out was being able to just practice my spirituality in the open, without having to hide anything. But…then I moved and found myself in a few situations I didn’t expect to be in. I found myself with roommates for two years. Roommates that, at first, I didn’t know very well and therefore wasn’t super comfortable around. That eventually changed, but I discovered two were Atheists, and one was a (very open minded) Jew, and…that left me feeling weird.
Unfortunately one of the realities that we as Pagans sometimes face is having to hide what we believe for fear of repercussions. I myself haven’t actually experienced any of those save from my family, but still. I was in a new place where I knew very few people, and the last thing I wanted to do was drive any kind of wedge (big or small) between me and potential friends here. So I put my spirituality in a neat little box and packed it away for days when I could be more open.
Well, the days went by and I got super caught up in working and trying to make my relationship work and keeping up with a social life. I made new friends, got into the hobby of photography, and joined a Youtube project. All things that are terrific and great and that I enjoy immensely. But…my spirituality still didn’t color my life the way it once did.
Today when I opened that book, it reminded me how much I miss those connections. To get poetic, something sparked inside me. Something that felt like it had been sleeping in cave for a very long Winter. It made me want to get back to the way things were. Unfortunately getting so lost in this feeling made me neglect duties (well, it didn’t make me. I had just gotten so enthralled with this feeling, and it felt so good, that I didn’t want to let it go for any reason), and now I have to work doubly hard tomorrow because of it. That’s ok. I can do that. But getting that feeling was a nice little surprise. And I guess what Gebo was talking about this morning when I drew my daily Rune as this feeling truly was a gift.